In Contemplative Moments, I Mourn
by Sula Bulungi
Summary: Sometimes, when darkness and silence close in, even the strongest succumb to terror. Miroku contemplates... and his friends, particularly Inuyasha, bring him consolation for his deepest fear.


I think that the tension of this fellow's plight is one of the most significant reasons this show resonated with me. He gets the short end of the stick ninety percent of the time, poor guy, and yet retains that calmness and serenity that really characterizes him. Or else he's a perverted comic relief device. Which we're all fine with, let's be real. So one day I tried to get inside his weird little old head and figure out what was happening in there, not when he's being stupid and perverted, but when he's alone in the dark: when he has let himself feel fear. Where this falls in the timeline is variable. Decide where you'd like it to be. I'm certain I've gotten something wrong with character backgrounds or continuity or something, because I'm not exactly an expert at this genre either, but I'd love for that to be overlooked in favor of my point, which was to examine human emotions in a well-written way. I hope it's sufficient!

Disclaimer: These characters and this world are not mine, nor have they ever been. I borrow respectfully.

In Contemplative Moments, I Mourn

Some days, I found it difficult to maintain my customary stoic calm. There were times, in the darkest hours of the night or in solitary moments within silent forests, that my composure faltered, my mask cracked and I lost myself. I fell to my knees in the shade of my despair; I closed my eyes against the obtrusive dread that radiated from my concealed palm. There were days when the purple vines that coiled over my shoulder smoldered with painless agony, and my hidden, stained hand dragged me backward, like a leaden weight.

These were days which I strived to keep to myself. I was adept at excuses and justifications. It wasn't hard to convince my companions to wait behind and allow me to venture ahead alone. For the most part, they accepted my reasons with little more than their standard teasing, and I accepted their teasing with my usual sedate equanimity. We had a dynamic to maintain, after all.

But on occasion, I wondered. I caught a glimmer of apprehension in Kagome's kind eyes. I heard an anxious tone in Shippo's high voice. I noticed a nervous stiffness in Inuyasha's posture, a suspicious unease in his scowl. And, if I watched her attentively, if I observed her inconspicuously, I saw worry in the tension of Sango's shoulders and the straightness of her back (she was typically facing away from me you see).

Yes, sometimes I wondered whether they believed my nonsense at all.

I should not have been surprised to find them at my side, that night.

I left them as casually as ever, giving some pathetic excuse. I walked as far as my feet would carry me, as far as the numb ache in my chest would allow.

Then, I sank to the ground. The forest was quiet. I lay silently there, alone with my private agony.

Until I sensed them, closing in behind me.

Kagome, behind me in the path. Inuyasha, in the trees overhead. They moved so carefully, so quietly, and I knew they were struggling to conceal themselves from me. I almost smiled at their naivety. The desire left me as quickly as it struck.

"Inuyasha, can you smell him?"

"Yes, but it's difficult to track him in the dark like this."

"I hope he's alright…"

"Me too."

"Do you think it's…?"

"I don't know. Let's pray that it isn't."

"Maybe he really did go to arrange tomorrow's lodging for us."

"…No, I don't think so. Something felt… wrong. Something's felt wrong for a while now, I just haven't had the nerve to say anything or follow him 'til now…"

"I've felt it too. Inuyasha, I've been so scared for him. What if it…"

"Don't go there, Kagome."

"…What if it happens soon? Before we can kill Naraku? What if it happens… tonight? Or tomorrow?"

"Shut up, Kagome."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry, I just… I'm afraid."

"It's fine. I've found him."

And he had. He stood over me like a pillar, and I felt impossibly small, seated at his feet.

"Hello, Inuyasha," I murmured politely.

Kagome approached, fell to her knees beside me.

"Miroku, are you hurt? What happened?"

I tried to force a smile. I could not muster one. "I'm unhurt, Kagome, merely… resting. You should not have followed."

Inuyasha snorted peevishly. "If you're fine, then why are you sitting here alone in the dark, in the middle of the forest? Getting in a little midnight meditation?"

I had no response, nor the energy to contrive one.

Kagome's voice teemed with compassion. "Please, Miroku," she pleaded, "let us help you. What's the matter?"

I heaved a great sigh, closing my eyes. I felt Inuyasha sink into a crouch at my side, but he was uncharacteristically quiet. Apparently, he was determined to hear my answer as well. I was silent for a long moment, before conceding. I hadn't the power to lie anymore.

"I have almost reached my end," I admitted softly. The unmitigated sorrow in my voice startled even me.

Kagome and Inuyasha were quiet for a moment. I could practically hear the pregnant look they were sharing, though I did not look up. Finally…

"Wh-what d'you mean?" he asked. I had never heard such uncertainty in Inuyasha's brash voice. I met his gaze and was hazily astonished to find real fear in his golden eyes. I maintained that stare for a long moment, my expression blank.

"The Wind Tunnel will end me soon," I mumbled. "It brings me to the very threshold of my death; I can see my mortality if I but close my eyes. And should my curse fail to take me soon enough, the poison scars will finish me within weeks, perhaps days. I can almost feel their icy fingers stretching toward my core, so close to seizing my heart… my heart, the only clean part of me left. These curses envelope me day and night; they could kill me at any moment. I do not feel the pain anymore, but the terror… the terror is as bitter as it was the day I watched my father die. The day I saw my fate laid before my eyes, as certain as the sunrise…"

I had drifted, lost in the horrors of my past and future. But I was drawn back by the shocking dread I witnessed in Inuyasha's eyes, the panic I observed in Kagome's.

They were terrified.

And then I recalled the reason I sequestered myself in solitude when I broke like this. I hid away from these people whom I loved to save them the pain I saw then in their faces… I could have kicked myself for allowing them to follow me, for voicing my fears so frankly. I had been negligent and careless. I was a fool.

"Forgive me—" I began, but Inuyasha interrupted.

"Kagome, go find Sango. Tell her we've found Miroku."

Kagome opened her mouth to protest, but he fixed her with a meaningful look (sometimes I marvel at how blind these two are to the intimacy of their friendship). She nodded then, eyes brimming with sadness, and, to my astonishment, leaned forward to land a chaste kiss on my cheek.

"You're one of my very best friends, Miroku. Please remember that."

And she rose to her feet and stumbled into the trees. I heard a sob escape her as she fled. My eyes followed her for a time, my face warm where she'd touched me, body and heart. Kagome was completely unique, gentler and kinder than anyone I'd known before. I was blessed to have her as a friend.

"Miroku…"

I turned back to Inuyasha, striving to pull myself together. I almost managed it, I think.

"Inuyasha, I apologize for so forwardly expressing my concerns to you and Kagome. I should have kept them to myself, I know, I should not have upset her like that. You must think me very weak… It was a grave oversight; I do not intend for it to happen again…"

He silenced me by seizing my right arm in his iron grip. Before I could react, he deftly tugged my robes aside, baring my chest and arm to the starlight. I heard him draw a low gasp.

Looking down, I could see why he might be disgusted. The scars twined beneath my skin, as sinister and ugly as the sprawling legs of a spider. They snaked around my arm and across my shoulder, and wide cords were beginning to stretch toward my chest, reaching for my throbbing heart. It seemed to beat louder than normal, there in that shadowy copse, and I wondered if Inuyasha could hear it too… if he was counting the beats as carefully as I was, knowing that they were numbered.

"You are not weak, you asshole."

Surprise kept me mute as I stared at him. I blinked.

Inuyasha's voice was low. He stared at me so ardently that I thought his hot liquid gaze might scald me. "You are not weak, and I can't believe you think that you are," he hissed, fingers tightening around my arm. "You're the strongest man I've known, demon or human."

I felt a warm flush creep across my face. "Inuyasha, I'm not—"

"_Shut up _and let me talk!"

I knew better than to argue with him in this state. I fell silent.

His smoldering eyes locked with mine. "You live day after day with that damn curse eating away at your hand; you've lived with it since you were just a little kid. You've got a freaking disease crawling up your arm, coming closer and closer to offing you with every passing hour! You drank poison—_poison_, _Miroku_!—just to escape the pain… so you could endure it long enough to help us kill Naraku. Do you know how unselfish you are? You've got not one, but _two_ curses aimed at killing you, ready to finish you off at any moment of any day… and you know what is the sickest part of all this? Do ya?"

He didn't give me a chance to respond.

"The freaking sickest thing is that you _never complain! _You've had this shit eating at you from the beginning, since before I knew you, and tonight is the first time I've heard you even admit that you're afraid! Well I'll tell you something, Miroku, and listen close 'cause I'm not gonna say it again: you deserve to be scared. Any one of the rest of us would be cowering in the shadows somewhere, too afraid to come out into the sunlight. Anyone else wouldn't have _dared_ to open that Wind Tunnel, let alone to use it against their enemies, for fear of shortening their own sorry lives. But not you! You open it whenever the mood strikes you, as often as you please, completely careless of your own damned life! Com-completely fearless!"

"I'm not—"

"_Shut the hell up, Miroku!_"

I could see his sharp claws piercing the skin of my arm. I didn't dare point it out.

"Just listen to me, dammit! You're brave, you idiot. You're brave enough to face the world with a smile, even though you're battling more than the rest of us together. You're brave enough to drink fucking poison, just to be able to fight beside the woman you love. And you're brave enough to take your pain out into the forest by yourself, so your friends won't have to feel it too. You have courage like I've never seen before, and you are the only man I've ever respected enough to call my friend."

He fell silent then, and I could see that he was mortified to have said so much. His face flushed crimson. It was a long moment before I could overcome my amazement to voice a response.

"Th-thank you, Inuyasha," I said, so quietly I could hardly hear myself. "It heartens me to know that you hold me in such… high regard. But could you… ah…"

I gestured to his claws, sunk into the flesh of my mottled right arm. When his eyes fell upon them, he drew away with a cry.

"Dammit, Miroku, I'm sorry! I can't believe I… A-are they deep? I couldn't… I didn't realize…"

I forced a smile, and found it easier to summon than I expected. "I'm alright," I insisted. "I've had worse, and as you say, I 'drank fucking poison'. I cannot feel the wounds anyway."

Inuyasha ground his sharp teeth together.

"Don't joke about that."

I dragged my robes back into place, covering the hideous scars. I ran my hands across the familiar fabric, smoothing it over my chest.

"I'm sincerely grateful that you came to find me, Inuyasha," I murmured. "You're a good friend to me."

He nodded sheepishly, avoiding my eyes.

"I realize you're going to protest this request, but I hope you'll do me the honor of killing Naraku in my place, so that my vow may be fulfilled."

I saw anger flare in his expression. "I will not—"

I held up my hand to quiet him. "It's my turn to talk, Inuyasha. Allow me to explain.

"As we both know, despite my attitude and best efforts, there is a very good chance that I will not live to see Naraku's demise. I know my body well, after all these years of bearing the curse of the Wind Tunnel, and I can feel that my end draws near."

Inuyasha was furious. "That's not—"

"Inuyasha," I interrupted with a smile. "Shut up."

To my surprise, he did.

"Now I do not say these things because I am a nihilist. On the contrary, I've always considered myself quite disposed toward optimism. But the situation calls for honesty and realism, and I will comply. I may very well be dead before you finish Naraku off.

"However, there's also a chance that I will witness his downfall. I may be strong enough to endure to the bitter end, after all. Perhaps the Wind Tunnel with wait, and the poison scars will not claim me as soon as I believe. This is obviously the outcome I pray for."

Inuyasha was watching me suspiciously.

"In that case, there's something you should know. I am… not as strong as I once was. The curses that plague me have made my body weak and left me incapable of the things I could once do. You've probably noticed that I ride with Sango on Kilala's back more frequently than ever… that's because I can't keep up with you anymore. I cannot run fast or long enough. In my present state, I cannot kill Naraku. So I will leave that up to you. I will leave my family's honor in your hands."

Inuyasha was obviously shocked, but he regained his composure quickly.

"I will kill Naraku," he promised. "For Kagome and Shippo and Sango and you… alive or dead."

I nodded at his admission. "Thank you."

"Sure."

I planted my staff in the soil and dragged myself to my feet. Inuyasha stood as well, watching me cautiously. I almost wished then that I hadn't admitted how weak my body had become… Inuyasha was sure to be unnecessarily careful with me. With a sigh, I stood erect.

"One more thing, Inuyasha. Before we go back to camp and pretend that nothing happened, may I ask you one more favor?"

His eyebrow quirked. "Ask."

I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I voiced these words. They tasted like ashes in my mouth. "Should my prayers be in vain… should the Wind Tunnel reach its limit and take me into the void, I'll be going alone. I will not compromise on this; I won't let my curse kill any but myself, in the end. I know that…" I swallowed. "…I know that Sango will dispute this."

I forced myself to look at him, though I couldn't mask the pain I knew must be evident on my face. "When… _if_ it happens, keep her away. Hold her to you and don't let go until it's over. She's a wonderful fighter, but you are strong enough to restrain her. Please… for me, keep my Sango alive."

"That's not going to happen," he asserted firmly, adopting a haughty stance.

I nodded, my heart falling. He refused. I understood. Turning away from him, I took the first step back to camp.

"But if that did happen, hypothetically…"

I stopped.

"If it happened, I would."

I smiled.


End file.
